A Tale of Donkey–ness

April, 2004

by: Walt Bertelsen

I have been feeling the Surgeon's knife in my heart a lot lately. If you've heard my tale of “donkey–ness,” (aka “proud stubbornness”), you know that the Lord has had to use a meat cleaver on my heart to hack away the sin encrusted there. At present, He is using a precision scalpel — and it hurts so much more! The current focus of His cutting is a sin that men generally don't own up to: the fear of man. The fear of man is a heart problem, subtle and often unrecognized, but its outflow corrupts everything in our life. Proverbs says that the fear of man is a “snare” (Pr. 29:25). That means it is a deceptive trap.

God brought me to see my own heart through a series of steps. Teaching through the Book of Matthew forced me to come to grips with Jesus' statement that we are to fear Him who can destroy both soul and body in hell (Mt. 10:28). Fear God? Be afraid of God? Jesus was talking to His disciples, and I sensed that he meant more than “reverential awe.”

I looked up every text I could find on the “fear of the Lord.” I found that it includes the idea of dread and terror; it recognizes God's absolute holiness, authority, sovereignty (right to rule, to determine all things); it stands in awe and wonder at His majesty; it submits to and accepts whatever He brings into my life. I could understand why Paul prayed so much for believers to have spiritual understanding of who God is (see Eph. 1, Col. 1:9-11, etc.) Whenever the Lord gives such insight into His gracious, holy character, He also brings more of my corruption into the light. And this, in turn, shows His grace to be all the more wondrous. What grace is this!

As I became increasingly aware of this fearsome, majestic, holy Presence, God's gently persistent Holy Spirit kept showing the sinful fear in my own heart — not the fear of God, but the fear of man. It was a root problem that manifested itself in many ways. Among them:

I realized I was nervous about many simple things, like singing on my own in front of people, or approaching people about their problems. You may say, “that's normal” — and you're right. Natural fear is normal, but if fear keeps you from doing something God wants you to do, it is sinful fear. (Fear can also lead to things you know God doesn't want.) More than once, fear kept me from confronting someone. More than once, fear kept me from telling someone about Christ. More than once, I found myself trying to impress someone — even at church. What I was doing, in reality, was putting those people's opinions above God's. It was more important to me what people thought of me than what God thinks of me. This is idolatry.

There was no “easy fix” for this. All I could do was repent. This became a frequent happening: repentance in the continuous present tense. This operation by the Chief Surgeon is not yet over. God is still renewing my thinking (Rom 12:1,2) and, as a result, I am more quickly recognizing His good and perfect will when faced with fearful choices.

Men (and women): don't let natural fear keep you from pleasing God. Recognize that the Sovereign Surgeon has allowed fearful circumstances (like leading your home) into your life for a purpose. One day, you and I will stand before Him. With all my heart, I want to hear the Savior say to me, “Walt (your name here), you did a good job.”

What do you want to hear?