The Heart of the Matter

October, 2005

by: Brock Bolde

In looking at marital problems, it is very easy to get bogged down with the various issues that seem to be the source of our frustration. In an effort to get our marriages on track, we seek to put out all of the little fires that spring up while failing to deal with the source of those fires. If we are to effectively deal with the issues in our marriages, then we must be able to identify the deeper problems; we must learn to look beyond the variety of issues to identify the root cause of those issues. In marriage, each of us bring certain expectations, goals, and desires. These are the things that lie beneath the surface; these are the things that flow out of the heart and direct the majority of our behaviors. If a couple is able to properly identify these things, then they are in a position to bring about real change.

It is possible to desire something that is good and healthy and part of God’s plan for marriage, for all the wrong reasons. In her article entitled “Getting to the Heart of Marriage Counseling” (The Journal of Biblical Counseling, Volume XII, Number 3, Spring 1994), Leslie Vernick tells us that it is possible to “serve our spouse not out of love for Christ, or even love for our spouse, but out of desires for such things as approval, acceptance, sex, and power. We “love” our spouse so that we get what we want. We give in order to receive something” (p. 31). To prohibit this, we need to be well aware of our own propensity to sin. We need to understand that our hearts are more deceitful than all else and desperately sick (Jeremiah 17:9). All too often we make statements like “I tried that, but it didn’t work.” But the “it” in “It didn’t work” is our behavior or attitude changes, and the “didn’t work” is the lack of desired change in our spouses. When we say this we reveal that our living for God is not our primary desire. Our primary desire is to get our spouses to change such that they do what we want them to do, which in turn reveals our improper motives. Many couples seeking counseling for their marriage have developed patterns of wrong behavior because they have unbiblical views regarding their partner. By focusing in on our own hearts, we are able to identify where we have “left our first love” and thus repent such that we can begin to start thinking biblically again. It has been said that our hearts are like idol factories; constantly building and erecting new idols to worship and give our devotion to. As Christians, we need to be in the habit of destroying idols so that we might stop bowing down to those things that are destructive to our growing in Christ-likeness. Only by concentrating on the heart instead of the behavior will we be able to break the self-serving cycle that many of our marriages have fallen into. Many of us must learn the painful and difficult task of dying to self so that we might live for Christ. According to Matthew 10:39, when we lose our lives for His sake that is when we truly find it!

Each of us must understand these vital truths if we are to have God–honoring marriages. Only by identifying our unbiblical heart attitudes are we able to truly repent, which is the very foundation of Christian living. Jesus Christ made it perfectly clear that if we love Him then we must seek to keep His commandments (John 14:15). Having a heart that puts pleasing oneself over obeying God is at best misguided and at worst unrepentant. As we gain a biblical understanding of our sin and seek to turn from it, it is then that we are able to find rest and assurance in the promises of our gracious Savior. The Bible states in no uncertain terms that the heart is the source of our evil thoughts and desires (Mark 7:21), so if real change is to occur then we must begin in the heart!