Denying our Children

January, 2006

by: Brock Bolde

Let me start off by asking you a question. When’s the last time that you denied your child something that he wanted; or to clarify, when’s the last time that you had the means and the ability to grant your child’s request but purposefully chose not to grant it? This is a very relevant question in light of the recent holiday gift-giving bonanza that many of us have just emerged from! We live in a day and age where the discipline of denying is not well practiced. Our children have more little toys and gadgets than they could ever possibly play with and the pile just seems to grow with each passing year. Part of the problem stems from the advertising blitz that takes place in just about every fast-food establishment. It’s next to impossible to order something off the child menu without getting some sort of worthless toy!

But when’s the last time that any of us really stopped to think about what this is doing to our children? When’s the last time we really thought about the effects of giving our children so much stuff? In his book Hints on Child Training, H. Clay Trumbull tells us that “one of the hardest and one of the most important things in the training of a loved child is to deny him that which he longs for, and which we could give to him, but which he would better not have” (p. 33). Many of us do our children great harm by buying or giving them whatever they want. Without considering the future implications, many of us cater to our children’s wants — to their harm. Jesus Christ made it perfectly clear in Matthew 16:24 that “if anyone wishes to come after (Him), he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow (Him).” When we fail to deny our children, we are failing to teach them how to deny themselves so that they can follow after Jesus Christ.

Let me ask you another question. What type of financial condition would you be in if you bought everything that you ever wanted? If you and I fail to exercise self-control in regards to our spending, we would eventually lead ourselves and our families into financial ruin. The ability to deny ourselves those things that are wants, not needs, keeps us from being consumed by the things of this world. And yet when we fail to deny our children certain things, we fail to equip them for adulthood. “If in childhood one is taught to deny himself, to yield gracefully much that he longs for, to enjoy the little that he can have in spite of the lack of a great deal which he would like to have, his lot will be an easier and happier one, when he comes to the realities of maturer life, than would be possible to him if, as a child, he had only to express a reasonable wish, to have it promptly gratified” (Hints on Child Training, p. 35).

As parents, we are doing our children a great disservice by giving them everything that they desire. By giving in to their every want and desire, we are in many ways setting our children up for future failure. God does not always permit us to have everything that we want — if He did, we would never appreciate the “simple” things that He bestows upon us. Our children need to understand that life does not consist of getting everything that they want; they need to learn the all-too-valuable act of self-denial if they are to truly appreciate God’s incredible gifts of grace. “It is every parent’s duty to deny a child many things which he wants; to teach him that he must get along without a great many things which seem very desirable” (Hints on Child Training, p. 37). We live in a place and time of great abundance — let us not allow our children to become slaves to the prosperity of our day, but rather let us train them up to be slaves of Jesus Christ.