Trusting Him — My Life Depends on It

January, 2008

by: Karen Van Treese

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path. Proverbs 3:5-6

Do I really trust that He is handling all circumstances? Why do I question if He is truly setting my path before me? Why do I grieve when I don’t get MY way? In the times of crisis there is nothing else to cling to but my faith in Him. He uses these cries of the heart to teach and to further His kingdom. Then, the trials are not in vain, but for His glory.

Back in 2004, my unsettled feeling regarding my husband Dale’s job was persistent and disturbing. I prayed and it didn’t go away. This job had been a blessing but now, the Lord placed on my heart that Dale needed to change jobs and I didn’t understand why. My conversation with Dale explained my unsettled feeling. Things were status quo, why rock the boat, right? Dale started pursuing this fork in the road. Two weeks later he received a call from a company who was eager to hire him, the perfect fit, just what he was interested in doing, even an increase in pay and closer to home. The surprising part, we have no idea how this company got his resume, neither did the company. The call led to an interview and enthusiasm for this new opportunity. One big hitch, we would have to change health insurance companies. I loved the kids doctor, she had been their doctor since birth, a jewel in a much frayed system. I had this insurance my whole life. I cried and grieved. Why did you dangle this in front of us, God? Why couldn’t you have included that in the deal? You are in charge and I can trust you, right? He made it so clear that he had ordained this entire circumstance, but why?

Dale began this new job and I started the process of finding new doctors. My very first appointment at the new doctor for me, I explained my history. My mother died of ovarian cancer 4 years earlier, after two years of incredible suffering. I was her caregiver. I knew more about that disease than I wanted to know. So, I asked this new doctor whether testing for me was necessary as some cases are hereditary. He wavered and explained it was probably not necessary, that the blood test is usually flawed but it was up to me. I told him I would think about it for a few minutes. At the end of the visit, I declined the test. Off I went to the lab for my other routine blood tests, I looked down at the lab slip and the box was checked for the test I had refused! The doctors office was mobbed, I wasn’t going back there, ‘just do the test’ I said to myself. I did them and never gave it another thought.

Two weeks later, the dreaded call came – “Could I hold for the doctor?” The test I had refused came back abnormal the doctor said. I swallowed hard and asked the number, remember I knew the facts. “233” he said. Normal is below 25. Never in a million years did I expect that. There must be a mistake, it is that unreliable test. This new doctor must have read it wrong. A lab error or the names were mixed up, maybe. It needed to be explored though. Further testing and I read the report which said, “Several masses highly suggestive of ovarian cancer” and MY name was at the top of the report. I was 38 years old! Three days later we sat across from a top surgeon who told us that he would do everything he could to keep me alive. What! It was numbing. I had a 10 year old, an 8 year old and a 3 year old girl. We didn’t get what God was doing but we were going along for the ride – we had no choice! We had to have trust in our Lord, we clung to it, it was all we were sure of. Surgery was extensive but the doctor told us he thought he got it all. Then it became clear, “Oh God”, we cried out. The job change, the change of insurance, the new doctor, the time I grieved when it was all meant for your glory. You see, that one little disturbance, interruption, annoyance over the job was God’s leading! What if I had not listened to Him and for Him? My surgeon was one of the top in the country. I would not have had access to him and the tests would have never been done without this job change because our previous insurance had refused to allow the testing.

Wow, we were glad that was over. What a story to tell. My suffering mother, how I had been forced to be so educated about this terrible disease, rely on Him for strength as I saw her take her last breaths, a risky change in jobs for Dale and then to come so close to the reality that without His intervention I might have been called home before my daughter reached kindergarten. The key - I listened, I grieved, I questioned but I remained engaged in my relationship with our Lord. I gave Him the final word instead of burying it for my own - and praise Him I did. But, He still had more pruning to do.

Two years went by and the routine screenings became a trivial annoyance. A routine ultrasound found a simple cyst that needed to come out (a result of the previous surgery). My surgeon wanted to just remove it with a needle but a complication – he no longer was under contract with our insurance. Here I go again! What a hassle, what an annoyance, ‘is nothing ever simple’ I thought. Where did I end up – at the same surgeon my mom had seen 5 years earlier. What an odd experience and now a new problem. Because of my history he refused to do a needle aspiration. He wanted a better look so I prepared for a simple laparoscopic procedure. I woke up with a tube down my nose, more discomfort than I had expected and people whose eyes were filled with tears and concern. What was that! You see, this new doctor found with his naked eye, what an ultrasound, CT Scan and MRI’s had not - A 2 inch invasive cancerous tumor, which was separate from the cyst. The previous doctor would have never seen this if he had removed the cyst with a needle! Am I a slow learner? Do I need this many reminders of God’s hand in every detail? Yes, chemotherapy through March of 2008. It is so odd to be where I am. But, my socks are blessed off! Chemotherapy is my mission field! You know people listen when they are that sick and I have some credibility. Yes, because of my relationship with the Father but also because of the story he gave me – just for me.

Nurses, doctors, patients hear my story and they shake their heads. Then, the opportunity for sharing the Gospel. I am energized to go to chemotherapy. Easy no, but blessed to no end. One story: My doctor had just told me 12 additional chemo sessions. I thought 2 more and so when I heard this just before the IV drip started, I could have easily been wallowing on the floor as many do in desperation. However, I was reading a devotional and noticed above the book that this lady next to me (also having chemo) was staring at me. She kept staring and staring and staring. I finally put the book down and looked at her and she said exactly this, “Please excuse me for staring but you have the most beautiful, peaceful face I have ever seen”. It took my breath away. She was talking to me! I have these kinds of experiences every time they stick that poison into me. I told her that was the power of Jesus living inside of me and He was giving me a comfort that doesn’t exist outside of Him. We talked some more and I told her I would pray for her. Some desperate souls I see over and over again, some I only see once and I wonder where they are.

The Lord’s work is never done in me. Do I listen? Do I continue to grieve at the interruptions and annoyances? The inconveniences, which certainly must be out of his view – wrong! I need to stop grieving when I don’t get my way and start listening and trusting. God gave me very tangible reminders of his moment by moment hand in my life – physical scars. Not pretty to some, but they are my keepsakes every day of His provision for me – some would see them as unsightly, but gifts to me. Everyday I can tell of the healing and power of a relationship with Christ. I feel privileged that He entrusted me with this story and grateful that he loves me enough to keep reminding me that he sees all, plans all, knows all according to His purposes, not mine. I TRUST in Him not according to my understanding but according to his promises - my life depends on it.