Conflict — The Fruit of Desire Gone Bad

August, 2008

by: Brock Bolde

Conflict – it seems to follow us wherever we go. No matter what the relationship or the circumstance, the potential for conflict to arise is always present. But where does this potential come from; what is it that makes conflict such an inevitable part of our lives. The answer to these questions can be found in James 4:1-3:

What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.

In his book entitled Peacemaking for Families Ken Sande identifies four progressive steps that help us to better understand conflict:

I Desire

All conflict arises from unmet desires. Now not all desires are necessarily bad. There is nothing wrong with desiring a good marriage, obedient children, peace, or things of that nature. The Bible offers us numerous instances in which desires are viewed positively (Psalm 10:17, 73:25; Proverb 10:24, 13:19; Song of Solomon 7:10; 1 Corinthians 12:31; Philippians 1:23; 2 Timothy 3:12). The problem occurs when “what was once a healthy desire takes control, and when this happens, the desire that originally motivated me changes into something very different. Rather than being motivated by a love for God and my neighbor, I am motivated by a pursuit of what will bring me pleasure, and I am angry at anyone who stands in the way” (Tripp, War of Words, p. 59).

I Demand

When a desire is unmet, it can quickly move to a demand. No longer is a desire something that we simply want, but now it has become something that we cannot do without. Our happiness is dependant upon this desire being met and we will do whatever necessary to fulfill this desire, even if that means sinning. It is at this point that our desire progresses into a demand. Even a good desire can go bad if we want it too much and are willing to hurt those around us so that we might have it.

I Judge

Conflict is further developed when those around us do not view our desires with the same level of importance as we do. “When you and I fight, our minds become filled with accusations: your wrongs and my rights preoccupy me. We play the self-righteous judge in the mini-kingdoms we establish” (Powlison, Journal on Biblical Counseling 16, 1, fall 1997). We begin to speculate on others motives and view them as hindrances to our achieving our precious desires. The conflict progresses and all the while we stand poised as judge and jury, eager to condemn the “guilty” party that opposes our desires.

I Punish

The final and most hurtful step of conflict has to do with punishment. Having taken the conflicting person through a mock trial, we are now ready to deliver our verdict and the “guilty” will suffer. “When we catch ourselves punishing others in any way, whether deliberately and overtly or unconsciously and subtly, it is a warning that something other than God is ruling our hearts” (Sande, Peacemaking for Families, p. 23). As parents, we must constantly be examining our hearts to ensure that we are not letting a necessarily good desire (a good marriage, obedient children, etc.) go bad. It is important that we deal with the conflict in our families in such a way that God’s life-changing grace is evidenced by all. Conflict will happen, but let us never linger long or grow comfortable while we find ourselves in its presence.